Relationship Counseling: Sex Addiction
March 26, 2010
By: Pamela Rogers
A friend recently asked me about my opinion on what exactly is sex addiction. He had a friend who was in a relationship and the partner claimed he was a sex addict because of the discrepancy in how often they wanted to have sexual contact. Here is how I responded.
Unlike smoking or eating, there are no scientific studies that show a causal or correlative relationship between amount of sexual activity and any mental or physical impairment. There is no such thing as sex addiction. It is a term made up by people who saw a way to make a lot of money based on people’s fear and hang-ups about sex. I won’t write much more as Dr. Marty Klein has already written a terrific article summarizing the facts. Here is a link to the article on the topic and I highly recommend his book “America’s War on Sex”.
Also there is a joke about the term. Q. What is definition of a sex addict? A. Anyone who is having more sex than you!
Warmly,
Dr. Pamela
Relationship Counseling Exercise: Understanding and Communicating your Needs
March 4, 2010
By: Pamela Rogers
A common problems that faces couples is that they have differences in arousal times. In other words, they differ in when they want to have sex. A way to overcome this is to understand what factors put you in the mood, communicate those factors or conditions to your partner and then put them into practice.
The following exercise is designed to help you do this.
Compare two or three sexual experiences in which you were highly aroused with an equal number where you were much less aroused and list all the factors that differ between the two groups.
An example might be: “High arousal, I was rested, felt close to my partner, wasn’t preoccupied with work, wasn’t in a hurry”. Low arousal, “I was distant from my partner because we were fighting, was preoccupied (had a presentation the next day and wanted to be on the computer instead of kissing her)”.
The items in your high arousal list are the conditions that put you in the mood. It is important that you be specific as possible.
Consider these areas: physical health, amount of anxiety or tension, use of alcohol or drugs, how much time you had, whether you were preoccupied with other things, fears about performance, pregnancy or disease, your feelings about your partner, especially closeness, anger or resentment, your feelings about yourself, and your confidence.
When you have finished with the list put it away for a day or two, then reread it and see if there is anything you want to change.
You and your partner should share your lists with each other and then decide how you will incorporate them into your life.
Warmly,
Dr. Pamela
Adapted from the book The New Male Sexuality.
Relationship Counseling Exercise: Appreciating your Partner
December 17, 2009
By: Pamela Rogers
As the holidays approach, what better gift to give your partner than letting them know how much you appreciate them as your lover. Below is an exercise to help you structure the conversation and get the most out of the experience
Warmly,
Dr. Pamela
Purpose: People are much more open to hearing what we say when we appreciate. Many times in the later stages of a relationship we fail to mention the positives and start telling our partners about what we are unhappy with. Or we don’t say anything at all. Reminding our partners of what we appreciate about them will create more of that behavior, including sexual behaviors.
Also, remember that when you have a conversation about erotic needs that last thing you what to do is shame your partner. Appreciation is a way to feel safe in sharing things you want in a sexual life.
Instructions:
Have a pen and paper for each person. Find a comfortable space to sit or lie down for 30 minutes. Create a sense of sensuality by turning the lights low, lighting candles, or turning on soft music. Allow yourself to make eye contact with your partner and reach out to hold hands.
1. On the piece of paper list three things that you appreciate that your partner does in bed.
2. When you are both ready, decide who will be sender first and who will be the receiver. The sender should share their answers one at a time with the receiver repeating back (mirroring) what the sender said.
Example: Sender:” So one thing I appreciate that you do in bed is the way you touch my clitoris”
Receiver: “So one thing you appreciate that I do in bed is the way I touch your clitoris”
Repeat until all three things have been mirrored.
3. Switch roles and repeat process
There are only two responses for the receiver “please say that again” or mirroring back the statement and saying “is there more?” The receiver should not argue, judge, make excuses or make promises. There is no need for any response whatsoever. Just sit with the statement and soak up the appreciation for now.
(Adapted from the book “Getting the Sex You Want” by Tammy Nelson).
Relationship Counseling: Orgasms and Erections
November 24, 2009
By Pamela Rogers
It seems that most of the people that are seeking to work with me lately are focused on their perceived sexual performance inadequacies. I have men worried about penis size, maintaining erections and ejaculating too quickly. Woman are concerned that they are not having orgasms, are unsure if they have had an orgasm, or are worried that the way they need stimulation to have an orgasm is not pleasing to their partners. Most of them view sex as solely intercourse. Most of these people come to me to be ”fixed”.
What we need as a culture is to understand that sex is not limited to penetration, but is really about erotic pleasure. Sensual touch for just the sake of touch needs to be emphasized. We need to stop focusing on sexual acts as goal-directed, but connection-directed. Kiss with your eyes open. Enjoy the sensations of touch on a soft penis. Spend one night where you are a teenager again and you stop at “dry humping”. Take a bubble bath and pamper your or someone’s skin.
Any other suggestions?
Warmly,
Dr. Pamela
Realtionship Counseling Exercise: Spoon Breathing with a Partner
September 29, 2009
Today, I would like to share another partner exercise with you. This one involves breath which is important in enhancing sexual pleasure. Breath allows us to get in tune with our partner, brings oxygen and blood flow to the body, and can help reduce the mental noise in our head during sexual experiences. If you have ever had random thoughts such as “did I remember to lock the bedroom door”, “what do I need to do tomorrow”, or “is he/she enjoying this time with me”, then you have experienced mental noise. It is quite common and often a barrier to letting us truly be physically in the moment during sex.
Warmly,
Dr. Pamela
Purpose: Awareness of breath is important to sexual functioning. People in relationships often act and move in different rhythms. This exercise is to help you get more in harmony with your partner, through breath.
Instructions:
1) Set aside 30 minutes of quiet time.
2) Lie on your sides very close together facing the same direction (spoon style).
3) Breathe at your own pace for a few moments and begin to feel yourselves begin to relax.
4) When you feel relaxed, the person in the back position starts to follow the breathing rhythm of the person in the front position. Try to breath at the same pace as your partner for 10 minutes.
5) Switch places and have the new person in back follow the breath of the person in front for ten minutes.
Do not talk for the 20 minutes. It is best to NOT do this exercise when you are ready to go to sleep.
Discussion:
1) How did you feel about the experience?
2) Do you feel more close or distant?
3) Were you more comfortable leading or following?
4) Are you aware of other ways you lead and follow each other?
Relationship Counseling Exercise: Creating a Commitment Contract
September 22, 2009
I know last time I said I was going to discuss anatomy, but I have had a couple of questions about how to keep the momentum going when you are trying to improve your romantic and sexual relationships. One way is through a written contract. Psychologically, we are more like to keep our promises when we have discussed them and can visually see it on paper (rather than verbally). Why do you think lawyers always want it in writing!
So here is a contract exercise. I encourage you to cut and paste it into a word document, fill it out with your partner and post it in a visible place. Note that there is a review date where you can revisit the contract and make any necessary adjustments to the contract.
Warmly,
Dr. Pamela
Commitment Contract
Purpose: A tool that many couple find useful in demonstrating their commitment is a contract. Basically, the contract includes agreement by both partners to do things to strengthen their relationship (For example,”to do the assignments, even if tired” “to not get defensive when I disagree” “to tell my partner what I appreciate about them once a week’).
The contract should also include a consequence for not following through with the contract (e.g., we shall go to Pamela for a follow-up session to work through this) and a reward for following though (e.g., “I will give my partner a foot massage”, “I will be intimate with my partner in a way that feel good to me in the moment”)
Instructions:
1) Sit down and discuss the elements that you each feel are important to include.
2) Fill in the contract below.
3) Sign and date.
4) Review and revise periodically.
CONTRACT
1) We agree to:
2) We agree to:
3) We agree to:
4) We agree to:
Consequence(s) for not following through / Reward(s) for following through:
Start Date: Review Date:
Signature: Date:
Signature: Date:
Realtionship Counseling Exercise: Building Intimacy with a Partner
August 25, 2009
Every so often, I will share an exercise that will help you increase your capacity for pleasure and intimacy. Some exercises are done alone, some are with a partner. Most exercises will follow the following format: 1) Purpose of the exercise, 2) Directions, and 3) Discussion questions.
This exercise is a head and facial massage to be done with your partner. Enjoy!
Purpose: Sensual touch is important for sexual connection and functioning. Both acts of giving and receiving touch increase intimacy.
Instructions:
1) Set aside 45 minutes of time and make the room or space quiet and comfortable. Have candles or dim the lights, but no music.
2) Select who will be receiver first.
3) The receiver should sit on a pillow on the floor in between the givers legs, facing in the same direction (back to giver).
4) For 15 minutes, the giver should touch and massage the face, head and hair of the receiver.
5) Switch places.
Talking should be limited, but the giver can ask questions such as does this feel good, would you like harder, softer, more delicate etc. The receiver should give feedback where appropriate through words or murmurs of approval. If something feels uncomfortable, ask the giver to touch you in some other way.
Discussion:
1) Both: How did you feel about the experience?
2) Receivers: what did you appreciate most?
3) Givers: what did you appreciate most?
4) Both: Is there anything that you would do differently to improve the experience?
Common Relationship Counseling Questions 5 – How do sessions work and how long does the process take?
August 10, 2009
Most sessions are conducted in person in my home. Some are conducted in the client’s home/group facility or by telephone. Most individual and couple sessions are about an hour in length. Group workshops can range from 2 hours – 1 day.
For individual and couples, the first session is where a sexual history is taken. We will also look at how the issue has been addressed in the past. Future sessions include discussion on “homeplay” exercises done in between sessions. You are encouraged to keep a journal. For workshops, a needs assessment will be conducted to determine what content and participation is needed for the audience.
Sessions and workshops may be scheduled for once a week or less or more frequently depending on your schedule, my availability, and your needs for sex coaching and education. Individual and couple sessions tend to last from three to ten sessions. Workshops are typically a single event, but there are instances where multiple sessions are needed to cover more material.
Common Relationship Counseling Questions 4 – What are your fees?
August 3, 2009
Fees are set at $100 / 50-minute session for individuals ($125 / 50 minute session for couples) and are pro-rated for longer or shorter sessions. Payment is expected at the beginning of each session by cash or check. If finances are a problem, payment programs are available. For telephone sessions, payment is required by cash, check or PayPal in advance. Group workshop prices depend on the length of the workshop and number of participants.
There is a 24-hour-advance cancellation policy. If you fail to cancel or reschedule within that time frame, a 50% charge will be asked of you for the missed appointment. Of course, in the case of extraordinary circumstances, there is no charge for the missed appointment. If a need to cancel, I will do my best to give a 24-hours notice as well.
Common Relationship Counseling Questions 2 – What benefits can I expect?
July 20, 2009
Some of the benefits you can expect are expanding your view on sexuality, learning new techniques that will make you a better lover, overcoming thoughts or feelings inhibiting your sexual expression, learning how to communicate and negotiate your sexual needs, or just gaining overall sexual confidence. This type of work can be transformational for your whole life, not just your sexuality. By trusting the process and allowing me to be your guide, you will grow, learn, and become a more empowered person. It is always my honor and privilege to do this work.
